Ethan’s mom: Seven years ago tonight, I held two babies in my arms. I would give anything to have held them both today.
We should have had two seven year olds blowing out candles, ripping off wrapping paper, and flashing their snaggletooth grins today, but we only had one.
I don’t have any deep thoughts or new insights tonight. I just wanted to say happy birthday to my Big E. We sure did miss you today, buddy.
Ethan’s Dad: It is late, but I cannot let the day pass without marking what should be our Little Caboose’s fourth birthday. His twin brother Noah had a good birthday, I think, filled with most of the things such a day should have for a child: special meals, an adventure with Mom, some cool presents, and visits from grandparents (both virtual and in person). Of course, those also are all things Ethan does not get to experience, and we, his family left in the Shadowlands, are so much the poorer for it. The joy we get to see from Noah is matched by the void left by Ethan’s absence.
And once again with these events that mark time we remain astonished in opposing ways that we have arrived at the twins’ fourth birthday because time both flies and crawls in this situation. It flies as we watch Noah, in the same way so many other parents do, grow like a weed throughout his precious childhood. It crawls as we miss Ethan, always yearning for that time when we will see him again. Time is indeed relative when you live with having twins but only one of them is still living with you on this earth.
I am ever thankful that we continue to get to see Noah’s joy. It is impossible to exaggerate the enormity of that blessing, one which I am painfully aware I would not recognize quite so well if it was not for Ethan’s absence. Yet, I am always heartbroken that we do not simultaneously get to see the same joy from Ethan, or the unique joy the boys certainly would have given to each other. Noah is now old enough to express to us — and often does— that he wishes Ethan would come back to us, and the sweetness of that unknowing longing evokes an inner ache that defies description.
My consolation — my hope — is that one day we are going to be able to sit down with Ethan and have a bunch of birthday parties in a row, or one party so stupendous that it somehow dwarfs these lost milestones. What will be his favorite party game, his choice of cake, his big present? I wonder as I wait for that jubilee which exceeds all earthly celebrations.
For now, we mark the time, we cherish Noah, and we cling to the promise that God is able to keep our Ethan, who we have entrusted to Him, until the day Christ returns. (2 Timothy 2:12). Our four-year-old who never reached four or three or two or one was celebrated and mourned this day. And so he will be until Kingdom Come.
Happy 3rd Birthday, our precious Little Caboose. We can’t put a present at the end of your bed for you to open this morning. We can’t sing Happy Birthday to you and watch your smile. We won’t be wondering where to go for dinner because you and your twin brother picked different places. We can’t see you try to blow out candles on a cake with Noah and then watch you stuff your face with it. We can’t watch you tear wrapping paper off of presents and then hear you giggle with glee when you see what is inside. We won’t be able to take you with us when we go off to Disney World next week to celebrate as we have done when each of our children has turned 3.
All we can do is continue to love you, remember you, and long for the day when we finally will get to celebrate with you. “For we know in whom we believe, and that He is able to keep you, our Ethan, who we have committed to Him, until the day Jesus returns.” (2 Timothy 1:12).
The day you were born was filled with trauma, and the too few days after that we had with you were hard on you and your little heart. But never, ever doubt, son, that each and every one of those days was a gift we will treasure forever. We miss you terribly every single day, dear Ethan, but especially so on this day which marks our introduction to your contemplative blue eyes and irresistibly adorable face. We love you always and forever. Celebrate a little with the Lord today, but be ready for the ultimate party filled with tears and cheers on that day we will be there to hug and hold you again.
Walking in the Shadowlands 