His Mom: Before we get into posting about grief and loss and the bigger picture, we want to introduce you to the little boy we refer to as “our little caboose,” Ethan Walter Jones. He is our fifth child. He has a twin brother, but he was the second to be born. Known as Baby B for several weeks, he was the baby up underneath my ribcage, closest to my heart. He spent pretty much the entire pregnancy in a transverse position, so his head was on the left side and his little bottom made a lump on the upper right side of my belly. There are a few extra stretch marks right there, where I patted his little heinie before I even met him. The twins’ birth story is complicated, and I don’t want that to be the focus of this post. Suffice it to say, he was born vaginally in a breech position with no pain medication. This was a little rough on both of us (understatement). My first glimpse of him scared me – he was a little blue and quiet. He spent about half a day in the NICU before being released to my room, with regular blood sugar checks for 24 hours. He was 3 oz bigger than his brother, and his hair was a fuzzy, reddish blonde. His head seemed small to me but the doctors assured me it measured fine. He liked being swaddled, and both boys preferred sleeping together in one bassinet.

He had difficulty nursing at times, and because of the low blood sugar levels, he received supplemental bottles to start. The supplements continued after he did not gain his birth weight back appropriately. Eventually, we found out that his feeding and weight gain concerns were due to a heart defect. At his one-month-old checkup, our pediatrician heard a heart murmur and got us into the cardiologist the next day. I held his tiny arms while they did an EKG and an ECHO and cradled him close as he was given a diagnosis of ventral septal defect. Again, we might write more about this later, but it was only one part of his story. His feedings would tire him quickly – both nursing and taking a bottle left him sleepy and dribbling milk down the sides of his mouth. He required a bib with every bottle, but he never did have any real acid reflux symptoms. He also never had baby acne – the only Jones child that can say their skin was clear at 6 weeks of age.

Ethan loved swinging in the old creaky baby swing we got for $25 at a consignment sale the week before our oldest was born. He wanted to be swaddled and didn’t wiggle out like his brother. His eyes were deep blue – the color where you can bet they will stay blue. He was a fussy baby – spending so much energy eating tired him out quickly and we suspect there may have been something else bothering him. His cry was higher pitched and easily identifiable to me. We spent a lot of time bouncing, walking, shushing, and rocking. He liked to be firmly patted on the back. I would swaddle, pat, and rock while singing his favorite song, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” but his daddy would pat his back as Ethan was laid over his shoulder while walking around. His older siblings would bring him “the sleep sheep” when he cried – one of those stuffed animals that was supposed to help soothe babies to sleep. His oldest brother swore that Ethan loved the sleep sheep much, much more than his brother.

During the infrequent periods where he would be quiet and alert, he would stare at your face with those deep blue eyes, looking like he was studying every detail of your face. I said that his brother had an inquisitive look but that Ethan was studious. Both observant but with different tones, if that makes sense. They each loved to look at the blinds in their room, just behind the changing table. I guess the contrast made them visually appealing. I would kiss his tiny feet while changing his clothes. He also had a sweet little button nose perfect for kissing. One of his ears bent over a little at the top. His right eye didn’t close quite all the way sometimes when he slept. He loved his fuzzy pajamas that said Little Brother on them. He did not love bath time.

I loved holding them together. I would say to myself, this is the best feeling in the world – to be covered up with babies. It seems crazy, but they really seemed to enjoy being together as well. Of course, 2 months is too young to have your first social smile. One of my deepest yearnings is to see him smile one day. I called him my Big E, which was kind of silly because he was a tiny little peanut. So tiny he fell off the growth charts, but that was supposed to change after the open heart surgery to correct the VSD. He was just growing out of NB diapers and clothing as March approached.

There is so much more I wish I could tell you – those precious moments and memories we cherish with our other children that we never experienced with Ethan. I could go on for pages listing the questions that cross my mind daily – like would he have eventually grown to love his bath? I wonder every night as his brother toddles up the stairs saying “Bah! Bah!” with such excitement. But those are some of the memories from his two months on earth with us, and we hope you feel like you know Ethan a little better as you read about him in the posts that follow.